Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
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Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Duolingo getting serious.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?