Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
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Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
*seductively corrects your posture*
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle