Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
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“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES