I know a bad idea when I see one.
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me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
This hospital has everything
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.