Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
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Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?