At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
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Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.