I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
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*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Cheers Twitter.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
why no one uses midhusbands
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?