*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
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My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
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[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.