So true for me
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me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
It’s a gift
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.