[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
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“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
girls literally only want one thing..
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.