We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
You Might Also Like
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
a fate I wish upon no one
こいつ天才