SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
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Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Cat is stressing him out.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.