I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
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when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.