SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
You Might Also Like
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
barbara was highly relatable
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”