Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
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ugh not again
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”