All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
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I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.