Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
You Might Also Like
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
*puts my mental health in rice
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.