BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
You Might Also Like
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.