periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
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I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
This is me 🤣🤣
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
*mops up wine with cat*