[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
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Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
called in thicc to work this morning
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
pizza
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?