America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
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When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV