When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
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Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds