the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
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My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
I didn’t come here to be called names
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.