CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
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‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.