@GashleyMadison

Doctor: I’ve got some good news and some bad news.

Bears: We’ll take the bad news.

@GashleyMadison

Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.

@GashleyMadison

It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”

@GashleyMadison

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.

@GashleyMadison

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

@GashleyMadison

[at restaurant]

-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down

“You’re free,” I whisper.

@GashleyMadison

A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”