Doctor: I’ve got some good news and some bad news.
Bears: We’ll take the bad news.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
*slides teller a note*
M: uh huh
T: *slides me a lollipop*
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down
“You’re free,” I whisper.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”