Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@GashleyMadison : Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking.
@GashleyMadison: Coworker: What would be your ideal-
CW: But you didn't let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
@GashleyMadison: It's like my nana always said, "If you choose your friends wisely, you'll never have good drugs."
@GashleyMadison: I love playing catch with my dogs when I'm drunk, because I don't have dogs when I'm sober.
@GashleyMadison: [at bank]
*slides teller a note*
M: uh huh
T: *slides me a lollipop*
@GashleyMadison: [at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down
"You're free," I whisper.
@GashleyMadison: A laugh track, but for every time my boss says "I need this done today."
@GashleyMadison: Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
@GashleyMadison: "For a really awkward time, call me."
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
@GashleyMadison: [Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin