HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
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Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Aaaa…CHOO!
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?