Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
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I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.