When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
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Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”