First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
You Might Also Like
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl