To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
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Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
I can’t wait!
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.