Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
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ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5