Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
You Might Also Like
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
$4 #usedbooks
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood