Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
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{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity