I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
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I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
japanese corn
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Goat cheese is for herders.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.