the #horror is real!
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writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were