I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
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My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”