me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
You Might Also Like
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.