every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
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A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble