Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
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What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Before & after 😅
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket