I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
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Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am