[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
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Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
For the orator and chef in all of us
This is my bus stop.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake