Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
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When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”