You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
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I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.