*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.