I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
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Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You鈥檙e a dude in a dress, I鈥檓 Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn鈥檛 get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it鈥檚 over I won.
You did kill my parents, it鈥檚 true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don鈥檛 be alarmed, I鈥檓 sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what鈥檚 the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 馃槀馃槀馃拃
live, laugh, laundry.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
My glasses are broken but I鈥檝e got a glasses repair kit except I can鈥檛 find it because my glasses are broken
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 馃憞馃従
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We鈥檝e been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it鈥檚 called Celsius 232.778