My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
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SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
sin harder.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed