If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
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OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.