[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
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My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.