Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
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Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
I wish all tests were things you peed on