@GinAndJif

First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.

@GinAndJif

*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.

@GinAndJif

Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.

@GinAndJif

Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

@GinAndJif

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.

@GinAndJif

If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.

@GinAndJif

If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.

@GinAndJif

If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?

@GinAndJif

Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?

Me: Hogwarts.

@GinAndJif

If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.