Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.